Saturday, January 28, 2012

when you have it 'all together.'

this was one of those weeks.
where the plan was to have it all together.
the kids were going certain places for the day of the elephant room so i could take part, i had my husband's and my clothes picked out and ready to go and elephant room went as well as could have been planned. ALL PRAISE TO GOD!

but then the next day happened: i felt tired, my kids woke up too early, i had to take one of the kids to the doctor and of course his symptoms stopped once we got there... and the list goes on.

all to say by thursday my 'i've got it all together' had disappeared; as seen not just in my appearance but in my attitude.

can you say... 'u-g-l-y... you ain't got no allaby... you ugly, hey, hey, you ugly' {yes, i just went back to my cheerleading days... it was applicable, just take my word for it.}

but i've been thinking about this because so often i put on this front as if 'i have it all-together' when i really really don't... {i promise you, i'm getting to my point}

let me start with this though... probably two months ago i came running into church on a saturday night with my kids. i had probably ten minutes to get them checked in and into their classes, i still had to find the mister and get seated... as i'm scanning my card i run into carter's old church school teacher and as carter starts sprinting the opposite direction from me she goes, 'you always look like you have it all together.'
it was like she had figured out that i hadn't. there i was in shock because she was serious.
i thought that any person with to 2+ kids knows that you've thrown that out the window once you gave birth....
did i mention at this point i have no idea where child #1 is... for all i know he is checking out the fifth grade church school rooms because he wants to meet someone.... such a sanguine.

let me get to my point.
in the last year... i've given up the 'i have it all together' plan. {or at least am attempting, see first paragraph;)}
i played it in the past and it was so defeating, discouraging, did i mention unsatisfying?
do i still struggle with this sometimes, yes, of course.
but you know what i figured out for myself at least... trying to keep 'my family's' life all tied up in a neat bow doesn't work in normal life, no less when you're trying to live for jesus.

life is messy.
relationships our messy.
while i'm, at it kids our messy.
who care's if a hair is out of place, or it needs a good buzz.
who cares if i can't make a perfectly homemade, nutritious snack for my kids everyday,
who cares if i can't be on time to every single thing.

because when i'm on the 'i look the part' program that's my flesh shining through...
like, aren't i so great, i have the strength within myself, and you know what, that's just so darn untrue.

the only hope i have in getting myself out the door, dressed, along with those two darlings he gave me and my husband is by God's grace. He gives me energy. He supplies the patience. He gives me compassion toward them. He has provided every step of the way... and when i try to shine instead of Jesus it's an ugly thing.

Lord help me... let CHRIST shine through.
bless that sunday school teacher lady's heart... she was just trying to be nice.
and yes, i did find the first born... i think someone brought him over to me and said, 'he's yours, right?' {shly obliging i took his hand- of course they knew!}
but, this has churned over in my mind and even as i type i think gosh i shouldn't be publicizing it.
but then again i bet i'm not the only one who acts, feels, battles this thing.
it's a beast.
and i double-dog-dare it to not rear it's ugly head.

let me shine JESUS rather than 'have it all together...'
it's so much better that way.

1 comment:

SkyQueen said...

love this Kristen!
I heard a quote from Spurgeon this week that really impacted me (of course I can't find the actual quote...) but he said that God does not withhold good from those he loves...and yet we are not all rich, nannies, perfect balance of time, our kids run amuck and even sass other adults the conculusion must be that these are not the "good" things. And you hit the nail on the head. The good things are the patience, the love, the learning, and the dependance on the Lord.

thank you for that reminder today!